“David’s death is a result of the hatred planted in Uganda by U.S. evangelicals in 2009,” said a statement from Valentine Kalende, chair of the domestic gay-rights organization Freedom and Roam Uganda.

Jesus said, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone.”  At this, those who heard him began to walk away. (John 8:7,9 paraphrased)

Once, a rabbi had a conversation with the Lord about heaven and hell.  The Lord said, “I will show you Hell,” and led the rabbi into a room with a group of famished, desperate diners sitting around a large, circular table.  In the center of the table rested an enormous pot of stew, more than enough for everyone.  The smell of of the stew was delicious and made the rabbi’s mouth water.  Yet no one ate.  Each person at the table held a very long-handled spoon, long enough to reach the pot and scoop up a spoonful of stew, but too long to get the food into one’s mouth.  The rabbi saw that their suffering was indeed terrible and bowed his head in compassion.  ”Now I will show you Heaven, ” said the Lord.  They entered another room, identical to the first.  Same large, round table, same enormous pot of stew, same long-handled spoons.  Yet there was gaiety in the air; everyone appeared well nourished, plump, and exuberant.  The rabbi could not understand and looked to the Lord.  ”It is simple,” said the Lord, “but it requires a certain skill.  You see, the people in this room have learned to feed each other!”

Relating to others in the way that Heaven is described in the story does not seem to be valued very much in today’s society, especially American society.  We are taught to help ourselves and improve our own circumstances.  We are told to overcome difficulties on our own, without the help of others.  Relying on others for help is often a sign of weakness and incompetence.  Yet, the story illustrates clearly that sometimes we can’t help ourselves, that we sometimes need others to help us.  It’s interesting to think what this world would be like if we considered cooperating and collaborating with and giving to others before considering how we can help and give to ourselves.   Would we find that through helping others we actually help ourselves?  The author of my Group Psychotherapy textbook gives an answer to this question when describing how the story applies to group therapy.  He suggests that giving, not just receiving, help in group therapy can give a person a deep sense of having something to offer to others.  In a way, helping others may actually help a person discover a personal strength or competence, one that they may not have discovered if they had only focused on helping themselves.

When I read this, I was saddened.  Both of the students above attended universities, not Christian schools.  I found myself wondering, “If these students didn’t want to have LGBT clients, they should have gone to a school that allowed them to complete the program without counseling LGBT clients.”  Maybe that would be a Christian grad school, I don’t know.  I am not knowledgeable of the criteria for Christian graduate school therapy programs.  However, I am a Christian and a therapy grad student.  I know that I will encounter LGBT clients throughout my therapy career.  As a therapist you cannot expect to go out into the world and help people through therapy/counseling and only encounter clients that believe what you believe or live by your morals.  I even expect to encounter LGBT clients who are Christians.  And that possibility does not bother me one bit.

As Christians we are called to love others (Matthew 22:37-39).  This is the second greatest commandment (after loving God).  When Jesus says this, he does not specify who we are to love or not love.  He says love your neighbors, meaning everyone.  Jesus hung out with the outcasts of society.  He loved them, talked to them, spent time with them.  Whether or not you believe that being gay is a sin or morally wrong, you are called to love everyone, even those of the LGBT community.  Everyone is a child of God and should be loved as one.  And the therapy room is an opportune place to show someone love.  To make them feel accepted, cared for, valued, and worthy of love.  How can we as Christians claim to love everyone if we refuse to give love to someone who is gay?  As therapists, the clients’ needs come first.  If our Christian beliefs prevent us from loving someone who is asking for our help, then I think we need to question why we believe that and if we really understand the Gospel.

The author explains the difference between an apology and communicating a preference.  If someone asks you to a party you could say, “I’m sorry, it’s been a long day and I’m tired.  I think I’ll just stay at home.”  The author suggests that the underlying message in that statement is, “I cannot attend because I am impaired.”  Instead the author suggests giving an answer that is more honest and self-respecting like, “I choose not to attend because I prefer another activity.”  I know that I often make excuses for not doing “extroverted” activities.  I am embarrassed to say that I don’t want to go to a party.  I feel others will think I’m boring.  I want to be honest and say that it just isn’t my thing.  I want to be comfortable being my introverted self.

To express the importance of accepting one’s introversion, the author uses the symbolism behind the Tai Chi symbol, describing the relationship between introversion and extroversion:

The yang is the bright (white) force associated with extroversion, while the yin is the dark (black) force associated with introversion.  As the symbol illustrates, introversion flows into extroversion and vice versa.  However before yin flows into yang, yin expands.  Introversion expands, it is accepted and expressed openly.  Each specialty holds the nucleus of the other.  The author uses this imagery well:  When the introvert is safe (expanded, accepting of self, confident), she can extrovert.  When the extrovert is safe, he can introvert.  When an introvert goes with what comes natural (introversion) and feels confident in his skin, he can be more extrovert.  I find this true for myself.  When I am in a setting that is comfortable for me and around people who accept my introversion, I can more easily and more comfortably display extroverted characteristics.

I will end my posts on “Introvert Power” with some quotes the author started her chapters with:

One may have a blazing hearth in one’s soul, and yet no one ever comes to sit by it. – Vincent Van Gogh

I said to myself, “I have things in my head that are not like what anyone has taught me”… I decided to start anew – to strip away what I had been taught – to accept as true my own thinking. – Georgia O’Keefe

If you are not afraid of the voices inside you, you will not fear the critics outside you. – Natalie Goldberg

It is in your power to withdraw into yourself whenever you desire.  Perfect tranquility within consists in the good ordering of the mind, – the realm of your own. – Marcus Aurelius

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

So be patient with love
It’s always enough
The ghost and the dove
I’ll give, my Love

And I see you
And I know the truth
No, no, and I still want you
You are the grace that I believe in

I am blind in the darkness of the night
But I’ll see when the darkness meets the light
And I’m drawn to what, what is right in my heart

Be patient with me
Oh, my Love

(“Patient” by House of Heroes)

I am at a point in my life in which my patience is being tested.  I have gotten to this point many times before and expect to be here many times in the future.  It is only human, I feel, to lack patience.  It is a part of our fallen human character.  We want time to revolve around our own lives, yet rarely do we feel like that happens.  I have a sense of time: 24 hours in a day, 365 days a year, and I will probably die within the next eighty years.  Assuming I live that long, I’ve got a long ways to go.  My life has hardly begun.  Yet, I find myself wanting it to speed up.  I want to get to certain milestones in my life.  At this moment, it feels like it will be a while before I meet some of those.

Within the next couple months, my life is going to change drastically, or at least it seems that way.  The first change is starting my clinical practicum for grad school.  This means I will be in therapy with clients.  Some feelings about that: scared, anxious, inadequate, excited.  Overall, there is a feeling of ” ready-but-not-ready.”  I want to do this and know I will learn much that will make me a good therapist, but I know it will be stressful.  The second change is that my girlfriend of over a year is moving to France for at least 7 months to a year to teach English in Paris and travel.  It is a great opportunity for her and I am excited for her to pursue it as it has been a dream of hers to live in France for an extended period of time for many years.  My girlfriend has been living in Chicago with a friend for almost a year, so I have been able to spend a lot of time with her over the past year.  It has been great (!) and we have grown as a couple in that time.

With these two changes taking place at the same time, over the same year, I am praying for patience.  I am not praying that I have the patience to make it through the next year, but for patience with God and his will.  I believe these two changes are happening at the same time for a reason, though it may be hard (very hard) for me to see that now.  I know only good will come from it.  I pray that God will show me every opportunity I have this next year, whether that is an opportunity to help someone else or to build my relationship with Him.  I pray for God’s grace in all I do, that I may glorify Him in all I do.  I pray I have faith in His love, His Spirit, and His peace.

The first wish, a room of my own, didn’t really resonate with me that much.  The chapter focused on imagining my ideal room, what it would look like, what would be in it, etc.  I agree that I prefer certain things in my room, but I have never been someone to spend a lot of time in my room.  I felt this chapter was a bit shallow and didn’t really dig into why an introvert might want a room of his/her own.

The second wish was the time to think.  In this chapter, the author suggests introverts need time to think.  The author also suggests thinking about time differently.  Instead of taking time to think, give time to think about what takes time.  The author suggests that this is what introverts want: to give themselves time to think.  This resonated with me.  I often think to myself.  I do it when I’m falling to sleep, when I’m driving my car, when I’m in a social setting, when I’m in class, etc.

In addition, I do what the author suggests a flaneur does (4th wish).  A flaneur is a “passionate spectator” according to the author.  Introverts like and want to observe their surroundings.  I would agree with this.   I often find myself observing things, people, places.  As I observe what’s going on, I think about it to myself.  I find I do this a lot in my grad school classes (and all through my education experience).  When the class is in discussion, I often just sit back and observe what is said and how people interact.  I chime in on rare occasions.  I find I am constantly taking in what others say and thinking about it to myself.  I also do this in social settings.  As the author mentions, this makes it seem like introverts are not participating.  However, we are participating, just not out loud.  This is a part of my personality that brings on unwanted frustration.  Since I am not one to speak up often in a large group of people, I am sometimes called out by others who ask me why I am so quiet.   This often makes me feel like my quietness is wrong.  I often feel pressure to speak up more, but I don’t really want to.

Another wish is the right to retreat.  The author suggests that introverts need time to retreat from others.  I agree that I sometimes like to spend time alone and think, listen to music, play music, read, or just relax watching a tv show.  On occasion, I have an urge to just go for a walk by myself and think, especially after I’ve been stressed out.

The last wish, intimacy, related the most to me.  The chapter discussed how introverts are not fond of small talk, but would rather get down to knowing a person.  The author explains it like this: “Introverts do not hate small talk because we dislike people.  We hate small talk because we hate the barrier it creates between people.”  Like I said in my last post, I prefer getting to know people in more intimate settings.  I don’t like going to bars or parties because I can’t get to know anyone that way.  I would rather go to a relaxing setting with a small group of people and get to know them that way.  I can do small talk for a while, but I really like to know what people think.  I like to discuss “ideas” as the book suggests.  I want to know others’ likes and dislikes, what motivates them, what inspires them, what upsets them, what excites them, what they value, etc.  I want to discuss these topics and get to know who people are on the inside.  I spend a lot of time observing people on the outside, so when we start talking, I want to know them on the inside.

“The introvert’s General is inside the tent, working on matters of top priority.  The Aide is outside fending off interruptions… If people do not realize that there is a General in the tent who far outranks the Aide they have met, they may  easily assume that the Aide is in sole charge.  This is a regrettable mistake.  It leads not only to an underestimation of the introvert’s abilities but also to an incomplete understanding of his wishes, plans, and point of view.  The only source for such information is the General.”

This description is perfect!  This is what I wish everyone could know about me.  Whenever I meet new people, they see the Aide part of me; the quiet and reserved person on the outside.  This is who I appear to be to people I first meet.  This is especially true if I am in a large group of people.  I am not fond of being labeled “quiet” and feel as though people don’t feel comfortable approaching me if they perceive me this way, as if I am impenetrable.  What people don’t know is that I have a “General” inside of me who is not quiet or reserved.   The General is the real “me”, the “me” I want others to know.  However, people need to be patient and wait until the Aide feels it is “safe” for them to meet the General.  And the General wants to get to know others, but in a “safer”, more intimate setting, one where there are not a lot of people around, where we can have simple conversation and get to know each other.  A large crowd or social setting is not where I want to show others who I am.  I am more comfortable showing others who I am in a calmer setting, where I can focus on getting to know the other person and showing who I am.

I find that I am kind of picky when it comes to making friends.  I want to meet someone who is like me, who doesn’t have to go out every night to a bar or whatever.  I like more laid-back activities and would much rather sit around with a small group of people and maybe have a casual drink and good conversation.  At the same time, I am not very good at making conversation with new people.  These things make it hard for me to get to know people.  I am very frustrated with my introversion and often wish I wasn’t an introvert.  It often makes me feel boring, especially to others.  I often feel like I don’t fit into what others would like me to be.  I often get asked, “Are you always this quiet, Jordan?” or “Jordan, what do you think?”, just because I am not speaking up.  I hate it when other people call me out.

Yet, I don’t want to change who I am.  I enjoy aspects about my introversion.  I like to listen to other people.  I like spending some time by myself.  However, I wish other people could just accept me as I am.  Why can’t I just be myself without someone making it obvious to everyone else that I’m quiet, like it’s a bad thing (and like they don’t know already).

Anyways… I’ve decided to explore my introversion to see if can I understand the positive aspects of my personality.  I’ve decided to read a book called “Introvert Power” by Laurie Helgoe.  I may make some posts as I read through it.